A developer’s guide to killer-app-reviews

App reviews are your chance to come back at these nerdy developer guys and you should not miss it! Anyone can write boring or even helpful reviews but that’s not the point of this guide. Here I will share my hard gained experience, how to write real „killer app reviews“! Yeah – reviews that kill motivation of every developer and drive them to insanity!

Who am I to write this guide?

I spent a lot of time developing apps and got many reviews for my apps and let me tell you: You know it immediately when you read an app review of a real master! The confusion and dismotivation it creates is overwhelming! In my opinion, every user can and should (!) learn how to write that great reviews! Let me share my top-tips with you, so next time you write an app review, you can make a real killer-app-review!

  1. The „1 star, no text“ Review

Let’s start simple – anybody can do a „1 star, no text“ review but what it lacks in creativity it easily compensates with its brutal clearliness! Sometimes less can be more and so nothing must be most! Simply give a 1-star review without any explanation! This will leave the stupid developer guessing – and that what it’s all about. Why give hints when you can give confusion?

2. The „missing features“ Review

An app misses a feature that is not event technically possible? Congratulation on spotting this gem! Not using this to the developers disadvantage would be a great waste of a chance! Write about this missing feature and ONLY write about this missing feature…followed by a 1-star rating of course (see 1.).

3. Ignore options to contact the developer

Beware, this is a tricky one! Nowadays there usually is a support email address in the store, a support email address in the app itself and some developers even run a blog where you can contact them. Avoid this at any costs! Never ever contact a developer! This could lead to getting some help for problems and you may even like the app, completely destroying your change for a really great killer-app-review! Nobody wants to read good app reviews, so please don’t write one!

4. The „too expensive“ app Review

Yeah, a classic! The developer wants 2$ for hundreds of work hours? Everybody works for free these days! Where are we that someone wants money for his work? We all have seen where capitalism leads to! Never ever pay for apps – immediately give them a bad rating simply for the fact that they cost money!

5. Use „trial versions“ to your Advantage

Many apps have trial versions nowadays. The noob may think the reason for free trial versions is to test an app before you buy it, ha! The master knows: This is an opportunity to complain about missing features (also see 2.) without ever buying the app!

6. Write a review in a foreign language

If you actually write a review (which is an error, as explained in 1.), be sure to use a language unknown to the developer so making it impossible to respond. If you don’t know a foreign language that’s even better! Use google translate to translate your review to Volapük, before finally posting it translate it a second time, now to Klingon language! This should cost the developer a lot of time trying to make sense of your review and waste time! In fact, this is the only reason to actually write app reviews!

UPDATE: 7. Always contact the developer, if you get mysterious store errors

You an error code from the store, when trying to install an app, like „error 80004005“ or some other? Tell the developer, who has nothing to do with store errors. The store is operated by MS and they take 30% revenue for this but who cares? If you ever get store errors, always contact the developer…and of course leave a bad review.

Final notes

I hope this will help you, when writing your next app review. Please feel free to share your best tips and tricks so I can spread this knowledge and everybody can participate! Everyone has a smartphone these days and uses apps so he/she is a potential author of a killer-app-review. Don’t give this chance away!

Please note: This article may contain traces of satire, many thanks to all users, posting useful app reviews! 🙂